1) You have nothing to wear…
…and I mean NOTHING. Not like the old days when nothing meant you refused to wear the three dresses, tops and skirts in your wardrobe as you’d been seen out in them once already (god forbid twice) and with the Facebook revolution a different group of friends could no longer warrant the same outfit.
No I mean NOTHING. That is nothing that doesn’t have a chalky, milky sludge on the shoulder or a patch of snot on the sleeve.
Your choice basically consists of a bobbly pair of leggings crusted with last week’s yoghurt and a non descript baggy dress (which never had any shape) or your jeans- urm jeggings and a top.
When you finally treat yourself to a new outfit. Be warned… avoid all contact with small snot festering – vomit blasting children and check shoes for rogue stickers!
Ok you’ve not been out for a while and the build up has been months… yet you still only end up with about 45 mins without baby to get ready.
As it’s a big occasion you bring out the fake tan to really make an effort. It’s an hour before you’re due to go out and you slap on the tan… the last night you went out was… urm June (weeps) and in your planning you’ve forgotten that the tan is gradual building. Meaning that you will look like David Dickinson by 10pm and never mind meeting Prince Charming… you’ll be the Pumpkin by midnight!
No Mum’s night out will be complete without a pair of good olde Bridget Knickers. Even if you spend the night pulling them out of your arse and rolling them up and down over various tyres!
Nice treat for your other half when he finds them on the bathroom floor though!
4) One Mum always drives…
…if you are lucky enough to get a lift then jump at the chance.
That is of course unless said Mum has forgotten to remove the car seat. Cue the smallest Mum being bullied into sitting on top of the ISOFIX base. (Ouch)
Make sure you shout ‘Shot Gun!’ And buckle up!
5) There is plenty of ‘Mum dancing’
Yes there will be dancing round handbags. There will be walking to the dance floor dancing and there will be the good olde side to side Mum dance.
But after a few too many proseccos don’t be surprised to witness a collection of Jives, Electric Slides and Vogue!
6) You are definitely off the pull
It’s been a long time since you’ve been out looking this good and so it’s hard to remember what a harmless flirt feels like. You are quite excited at the thought…
That is until you realise that you are surrounded by women of a certain age on works dos with the token male. The only hunk being the DJ who you excitedly remember from Hollyoaks – although he appears to have spent his 15 minutes of fame fortune on steroids and vest tops!
7) There is a selection of Big coats & Umbrellas
Back in the day you would have gone out wearing next to nothing in all weathers. Now the thought of stepping out of the house without your big coat is preposterous.
It says a lot when your other half and the taxi driver both find the big coat laughable, despite its obvious practical usage!
And of course don’t forget your brolly! In all my years of going out this has to be the most useful brolly I’ve had and one I will definitely not lose… Ladies I give you the Umbrella Hip Flask.
I thought a group of teachers together on a night out is bad… turns out Mums are worse.
The uncontrollable need to talk about all things baby takes over and before you know it you are (yet again) comparing notes and sharing horror and praise stories alike.
We received Awards for:
Most Talkative Baby and Worst Sleeper!
At the time staying out til 1am seems wild and radical. You are proud of your achievement yet acutely aware that you will majorly regret it!
Back in your youth 1am was depressingly early and yet here you are Living la Vida Loca eating cheese on toast and watching Emmerdale with a cup of decaf tea (couldn’t possibly have caffeine that time) and stumbling into bed at 2am and feeling very smug about it.
Of course your champion Sleep Thief has a treat in store for you the next day consisting of a horrific day and night of teething, whinging and vomit. Oh joy.
You had a great time and have loved reading the ‘You look fab’ comments on Facebook. But as you sit and sob in Toby Carvery due to your sleep deprived/two day hungover state you can’t help but wonder if it was worth it.
Ah well, don’t worry it’s bound to be another six months until you go out again… plenty of time to forget. And she’ll be sleeping by then! Won’t she?
Just try to sort your fake tan out next time!
Cheers to all the mums out there and not forgetting the dads picking up the early shift!