1) You have nothing to wear…
…and I mean NOTHING. Not like the old days when nothing meant you refused to wear the three dresses, tops and skirts in your wardrobe as you’d been seen out in them once already (god forbid twice) and with the Facebook revolution a different group of friends could no longer warrant the same outfit.
No I mean NOTHING. That is nothing that doesn’t have a chalky, milky sludge on the shoulder or a patch of snot on the sleeve.
Your choice basically consists of a bobbly pair of leggings crusted with last week’s yoghurt and a non descript baggy dress (which never had any shape) or your jeans- urm jeggings and a top.
When you finally treat yourself to a new outfit. Be warned… avoid all contact with small snot festering – vomit blasting children and check shoes for rogue stickers!
2) You accidentally turn into a Pumpkin at midnight…
Ok you’ve not been out for a while and the build up has been months… yet you still only end up with about 45 mins without baby to get ready.
As it’s a big occasion you bring out the fake tan to really make an effort. It’s an hour before you’re due to go out and you slap on the tan… the last night you went out was… urm June (weeps) and in your planning you’ve forgotten that the tan is gradual building. Meaning that you will look like David Dickinson by 10pm and never mind meeting Prince Charming… you’ll be the Pumpkin by midnight!
No Mum’s night out will be complete without a pair of good olde Bridget Knickers. Even if you spend the night pulling them out of your arse and rolling them up and down over various tyres!
Nice treat for your other half when he finds them on the bathroom floor though!
4) One Mum always drives…
…if you are lucky enough to get a lift then jump at the chance.
That is of course unless said Mum has forgotten to remove the car seat. Cue the smallest Mum being bullied into sitting on top of the ISOFIX base. (Ouch)
Make sure you shout ‘Shot Gun!’ And buckle up!
5) There is plenty of ‘Mum dancing’
Yes there will be dancing round handbags. There will be walking to the dance floor dancing and there will be the good olde side to side Mum dance.
But after a few too many proseccos don’t be surprised to witness a collection of Jives, Electric Slides and Vogue!
6) You are definitely off the pull
It’s been a long time since you’ve been out looking this good and so it’s hard to remember what a harmless flirt feels like. You are quite excited at the thought…
That is until you realise that you are surrounded by women of a certain age on works dos with the token male. The only hunk being the DJ who you excitedly remember from Hollyoaks – although he appears to have spent his 15 minutes of fame fortune on steroids and vest tops!
7) There is a selection of Big coats & Umbrellas
Back in the day you would have gone out wearing next to nothing in all weathers. Now the thought of stepping out of the house without your big coat is preposterous.
It says a lot when your other half and the taxi driver both find the big coat laughable, despite its obvious practical usage!
And of course don’t forget your brolly! In all my years of going out this has to be the most useful brolly I’ve had and one I will definitely not lose… Ladies I give you the Umbrella Hip Flask.
8) You play Mummy Olympics for at least part of the night…
I thought a group of teachers together on a night out is bad… turns out Mums are worse.
The uncontrollable need to talk about all things baby takes over and before you know it you are (yet again) comparing notes and sharing horror and praise stories alike.
We received Awards for:
Most Talkative Baby and Worst Sleeper!
9) It takes double the time to recover… and some…
At the time staying out til 1am seems wild and radical. You are proud of your achievement yet acutely aware that you will majorly regret it!
Back in your youth 1am was depressingly early and yet here you are Living la Vida Loca eating cheese on toast and watching Emmerdale with a cup of decaf tea (couldn’t possibly have caffeine that time) and stumbling into bed at 2am and feeling very smug about it.
Of course your champion Sleep Thief has a treat in store for you the next day consisting of a horrific day and night of teething, whinging and vomit. Oh joy.
10) You wonder if it was worth it…
You had a great time and have loved reading the ‘You look fab’ comments on Facebook. But as you sit and sob in Toby Carvery due to your sleep deprived/two day hungover state you can’t help but wonder if it was worth it.
Ah well, don’t worry it’s bound to be another six months until you go out again… plenty of time to forget. And she’ll be sleeping by then! Won’t she?
Just try to sort your fake tan out next time!
Cheers to all the mums out there and not forgetting the dads picking up the early shift!
Yes to all of the above! I have my work Christmas do this Saturday and quite possibly the most depressing thought possible entered my head today. I have no appropriate shoes to go with my one dress. I have therefore made a mental note to remember to bring my work shoes home to wear. (Because they are the only non boot / flip flop related items of footwear I own). I could sob at how sad that is! 😉 Meh. It’s mum life and I have no intention of looking at my feet whilst drinking all of the wine anyway. 😉 x
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Ha ha I had to buy new shoes as well as only had boots and summery sandals. But I agree drink the wine and sod the shoes!!! Xx
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PS: I’m also instantly putting myself on winky emoji rations. I’m clearly getting a bit carried away with that bad boy too! xx
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Oh I would love to go out! But yes I don’t have a proper dress or shoes ;( anyway sounds like you had really great time.
#KCACOLS
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I had to buy dress and shoes as had neither! The changing rooms with a baby is material for a whole other blog!!!!
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This made me chuckle! Quite often I feel so tired I dread going out. Always enjoy it once I get there though. #KCACOLS
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Yep once you get there it’s all good… nearly a week later and I’m still suffering!!!
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Haha! This made me laugh…mainly because its so effing true! That umbrella hip flask is genius! #bestandworst
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I know! My friend introduced me to the umbrella… best thing ever! X
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LOVED this! I am guilty of all. Not had a night out since the birth of my second and I think I actually fear it. The hangover, no dresses and a LATE night. Noooo. You looked fab and hope it was ace. Thanks for sharing with #bestandworst x
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I am still suffering from the late night. I’m now ill and it all just seems a distant memory. It was fab though and enjoyed it at the time! X
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You look stunning =) You made me LMAO at pulling up the britches up and over all the tyres. #bestandworst
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Thank you! Yep the Bridget knickers had plenty of movement on thy dance floor!!!
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Recovery for me is the worst part, hangovers just lying in bed being lazy are a thing of the past. Hangovers and kids really don’t go well together! #KCACOLS
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Absolutely. The hangover is just not worth it. X
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This is so funny. I was especially laughing at ‘the walking to the dance floor mum dance’. I always do that! And where the heck did you get that umbrella hip flask? That’s going on my Christmas list! #kcacols
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Umbrella hip flask?! amazing i need one!……she says when she hasn’t even been out for years….. #kcacols
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I borrowed it off my friend. She asked if I wanted to order one for £12 and my answer was… no!!! I never go out ha ha x
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Nodding my head to every one. I definitely suffer for it the next day (and the next) and yes I always can’t quite work out if f was worth it!
Thank you for linking up to #KCACOLS and I hope to see you back again on Sunday x
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Oh goodness. I forget the last time I went out. #bestandworst
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I’ve got Bridget’s from after each birth, gotta just throw the first lot out, they cut off the circulation now!! #kcacols
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Cheers to you! You do look great. I’m glad you had a good night out! I’ve never been to Toby Carvery, but there’s one I drive by occasionally! #KCACOLS
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