Wow we did it. We made it to one! As Charles Dickens famously wrote, “It was the best of times; it was the worst of times.” I can only assume he was talking about Motherhood! There have been dark times – times of extreme emotions, tiredness and desperation. It has been hard but it has been the best year of my life. I’m not going all ‘rose-tinted’ as I know how hard it has been. After labour and childbirth I wrote in one of my first blogs that despite the 28 hour labour I would do it again. I have since changed my mind! Labour I can cope with. But another newborn… no thank you.
Reflux was a very unwelcome visitor that ruled our first few months. Despite the hilarious anecdotes, dealing with a refluxer was not the journey that I had envisaged. But we did it. We lived to tell the tale (or blog the tale) and despite the difficulties it has been the BEST of times. There are no books, anti-natal groups or websites that will ever prepare you for motherhood and no one can every fully explain to another woman the feeling of being a mum. I knew it would feel good… but this is an un-explainable felling. Being a mum has changed my world, changed me and changed my view on life. My baby is my number one and everything I do, or think about includes her first and foremost.
No one could ever prepare you for that feeling of love and joy when you see her reach her arms out to you in a morning, despite losing hours of sleep, that little face lights up the tiredest of mornings.
No one can prepare you for the love that burns inside of you. The fire of love that is burning and roars hotter and grows bigger every day. Every milestone, every smile, every giggle, every tear makes that fire rage. Nothing will ever quench that fire. It ignited from the inside when I felt her move inside me and when we met that moment in time will forever remain in my memory. My first glimpse of my burning love.
So yes, it has been the best and worst of times but my god do the good times out way the bad. There are so many motherhood cliches and they are all true. Every day we take another step together on this amazing adventure. This is a ride that I never want to get off and I can’t wait to see what it round the next corner. Like every great adventure, you can look back with longing and fondness and a slight tear that those days will never be relived but as wonderful as the last year has been the future is even more exciting.
I don’t expect that motherhood will get easier, I assume that the next stage will be equally hard in another way and so on we will go.
The hardest thing has had to be the lack of sleep. I remember when she was five and a half weeks old and saying to my other half, “Everyone said she’d be sleeping through by about six week…” Well here we are a year in and she still wakes twice a night. Those early days nearly finished me off but no matter how tired, desperate or on my knees I was, I always kissed her head.
I have a secret.
I secretly like getting up with her. Now she is so big and crawling and on the go non stop I never get her still. She doesn’t snuggle and lie in my arms any more. She is ready to worm her way off at any opportunity. But at night she is all mine. She wakes; I scoop her up and kiss her head. She has some of her bottle and then we have our little routine. She turns and snuggles into my chest. When she was tiny I used to cradle her in my arms, then I could balance her on one arm, soon she was propping up on me and now she turns, straddles me and rests her head in my chest. It is our special time and I love it. I kiss her head, tell her I love her and she murmurs off to sleep. I only hold her for a few minutes, but no matter how tired I am I have that special minute with her, as one of these days she will sleep through and I may not get my special moment again.
So my baby is one. There will be many more kisses and cuddles, tears, vomit and stresses but I am sure that the best of times are yet to come.
Happy 1st birthday my beautiful Emilie Rose. I love you more than you will ever know; or until you have your own baby! xxxxxx