Today I found a tooth. A teeny tiny little tooth poking through. Waving to me in glory, in satisfaction, in triumph that it had finally arrived. For over a month this mini-monster, my arch nemesis has been toying with me… goading me and has finally shown herself.
As I saw the tooth I cried. This small glimmer of white. The three tiny bobbles of a new born tooth was yet another symbol of my baby slipping further away. I cried. Her gums will never just be gums again. That rhythmic soothing gnaw when she bites down on my finger, will never again be the same.
Time did this.
Time has begun to play tricks on me. After teasing me through 9 long arduous months, Time has become fickle.
As my baby grew inside me Time was against me. Counting down the trimesters, months,the weeks, the days. Time stood still.
Time became a blur in the first 14 weeks. As my baby took her place in my body the hormones and the sickness ejected everything that was once there. Hours rolled into days into weeks. I was grey. Inhabited by an alien sucking the life out of me and leaving little left for me.
14 long weeks. The illusive second trimester was waving to me in the distance. That glorious time when everyone says you bloom and glow. Time did me no favours. Time stood firm and still. I endured every minute.
When I reached that golden pillar… 14 weeks… the second trimester I was sure that Time would give me a smile.
And she did. For a few weeks we were friends again. The treacle steps of trimester one were behind me and I was able to slide along with a little spring in my step.
But not for long. Time had other plans. Time did not want this pregnancy to fly by, didn’t want me to miss a thing, so along came Insomnia. Time and Insomnia worked along side each other. My days became nights, became days. A world of blurry lights, throbbing head and dizziness. Tired but awake.
Those last few weeks were the worst. Pain, Insomnia and Bladder all joined in and Time just stood back and laughed. Laughed at my naivety. If only I’d known then what I know now. I would have appreciated that relationship I had with Time. I would have respected those quiet times, appreciated the silence and not longed for Time to disappear. Time knew what was in store for me, but I didn’t. How could I?
Time is fickle. Time made me wait, made me beg for life to speed up, made me wish my chances with Time away.
And now there is no Time.
Time is disappearing. I long for more Time but it cannot be. I cry for Time to slow down, to give me back my baby.
Time is laughing at me. It is running away and all I can do is try to keep up. Gone is the silence and the waiting. Now it is time for wishing and dreaming. Wishing that Time would slow down. Dreaming of what will be but not wanting Time to take us there too quickly.
I dream she will walk and talk and Time will see that she does, but every time Time gives me something new, I lose a part of my baby. The first smile, the first sit up, the first word, the first tooth. Time has given me these gifts so quickly. So fast that I almost can’t remember it. I look to the future and smile but gaze to the past and cry.
I will not let Time do this to me. So I wiped away the tears and celebrated the tooth. Another first, another milestone. My baby’s first tooth. Certainly a Time that I won’t forget.
Time may be fickle. Time may be on your side, it may be not. But one thing is for sure. The one thing that Time can’t touch is now. Now I will laugh and smile, kiss and cuddle my baby because who know what Time has in store for us tomorrow.