When I first started ‘The Little Book of Sick’ blog, I envisaged writing stories of my past frivolous flaunts and dalliances that often ended in me being sick in various weird and wonderful places.
Believe me, there have been many!
But as I have been living my new life as a Mummy and experiencing the amazing Blogging world, I have found that the baby blog has taken over. My baby has her very own Little Book of Sick and so my stories of battling Reflux and coping with the changes that Motherhood brings have become much more important to me and so my anecdotes of life before baby suddenly don’t seem as crucial to write about, no matter how funny they are to recall.
So, before I lose all memory of my past life, here is a taster of my Top Ten Little Sick stories from life before baby.
Let me know which story you’d like to hear more about…
1. You’re only 18 once (Thank God) 1997
The Little Book of Sick was born on the day I was legally allowed to drink alcohol. It wasn’t my first drink, but it was the first sick story. The first of many sick stories. My special night ended with me sitting on a wall crying and being sick after being thrown out of the club as my boyfriend wouldn’t leave the Ladies. If I could go back i’d go and tell my younger self… forget the Aftershock, NEVER drink Tequila and even if wine is cheaper and gets you drunk quickly it is not and never will be your friend! But then again, I wouldn’t have so many stories to tell would I?
2. Tequila…. It does not make me happy 1998
One night at University I drank a bottle of tequila with two friends. It is not big or clever!
No seriously… It was the end of me ever drinking (or even smelling) Tequila ever again. To this day my mouth salivates as if I’m going to be sick just from smelling the awful stuff.
I spent most of the night outside the student union being sick against a giant bin and passed out behind said bin. My boyfriend was really glad he made the effort to drive up to visit me that night. I was sick on him (several times) and pushed him out of bed. As if we shared a single bed anyway….
So I care to disagree with the popular tune from my University days… Tequila does not make you happy.
3. Airport Farewell 2002
The whole family was set to go to the Airport to say farewell to my sister who was off working in America. I decided that it would be a good idea to get so royally bladdered the night before that I would have to crawl to the airport.
We’d been to the Radio Big Weekend in Manchester. I’d been warned not to get too drunk … hmm that didn’t happen. We’d carried on back at our friends’ house celebrating Man Utd winning the league (the ex was a big fan, so obviously I was as well) It was some unearthly hour by the time we got home.
Dad picked me up at 6am to take Kelly to the airport. I was a shadow of my former self. I spent most of the farewell time in the toilet and was sick so much my stomach bile turned bright green! The highlight of the day was on the journey home when I had to be sick out of the window of the car on the motorway… not realising that my boyfriend sitting in the back had the window down… oops.
4. Mannequin Pi-sick 2002
After University, my first job was working in a call centre for Airmiles selling holidays. The Airmiles days meant that I had cheap flights at my finger tips. The world was my oyster, but unfortunately as my salaray was so utterly crap, I didn’t go very far, but I did book lots of imaginary holidays… no wonder my bonus was always so pitiful.
One cheapie weekend I took advantage of was a weekend to Brussels with my sister. We sampled way too many Belgium beers, wine with dinner and god knows how many pints of Stella with a group of Irish lads (There’s always an Irish bar isnt there?) It’s no surprise that after rolling in at stupid o’clock, the next morning we were fighting for the toilet. Tag team spew… not our first time! And sadly not our last!
Our day of sight seeing was slightly marred by the fact that I couldn’t stop being sick. I couldn’t even face shopping! Brussels isn’t really the sightseeing capital and so the only thing that we needed to see was the Mannequin Pis… the small statue of a boy peeing. I just about saw it, from the kneeling position on the curb with my head in between two parked cars trying to hide from the hoards of tourists as I spewed for the hundreth time that day… classy.
5. Rome wasn’t built in a day…. But I was sick for a day. 2003
This wasn’t just a cheap Airmiles trip… this was a FREE – all expenses paid, Club class, 5 Star Airmiles trip. We were wined and dined in one of the most exclusive pensiones in Rome – until then I didn’t even know what a pensione was! We were given the 5 Star treatment from Champagne and Canapes to Dessert Wine and brandy with a whole load of expensive wines in between. They don’t seem to mind mixing their drinks in Italy – we had a different colour with every course! The hotel manager was somewhat of a sleaze and so of course we took him up on his offer of showing us to the ‘Besta cocktail bar in Roma’. Several cocktails and a toe suck later (not my toe thank goodness) we made it back to the hotel.
The party carried on courtesy of British Airways and the stack of Whisky miniatures that we’d be given. (I don’t even like Whisky, but it was free!)
So… as I am sure you can imagine I was ill the next day. Ill is an understatement of epic proportions. I was sick in every 4 and 5 star hotel in Roma including the exclusive and downright stunning Cavilleri Hilton. Set in the hills overlooking Rome it was the hotel of the stars, with the likes of Gwynwth Paltrow having stayed there recently. The marble floor sparkled as we were given the tour followed around by the concierge with trays of champagne (barf) I so desperately wanted to join in but I was past the point of no return.
Lunch consisted of approximately 6 courses… and I was sick after every course. I used every excuse going to make my apology to disappear. One time I didn’t quite make it out in time and as a result, the marble floor was no longer sparkling! On my hands and knees mopping up vomit in the poshest hotel i’d ever been in was just the icing on the cake… You can take the girl out of Warrington…
This was only trumped by the return coach trip back into Rome. That all too familiar watery sensation was building up. I had to stop the coach. By this time, everyone knew how sick I’d been (including the Managers) and so the news travelled to the front of the coach. STOP THE COACH… NOW. I rushed to the front as the driver kindly pulled over… too late… out it came – splurting like the majestic Trevi Fountain. Catching what I could in my hands, I rushed off the coach and crumbled to my knees. What an embarrassment to the company, yet somehow I was promoted to Team Leader? Madness.
6. Handbag Drive along 2004
I’ll keep this brief… I have been known, (to my shame) on several occasions to Vom and Drive. Over the years, the fact that my car was always a rolling rubbish bin came in handy, meaning there was always something to be sick into… usually a McDonald’s bag. I kid you not. And yes, I was driving at time. As I say shameful behaviour… not big or clever!
I worked as a rep in majorca for the Summer of 2004. And weirdly I do not have any major sick stories. Perhaps because I didn’t like the Spanish wine, or maybe the sun has some miracle cure. Don’t get me wrong I had epic hangovers, EVERY week but managed to curtail the sickness a little. Or maybe I was just so drunk for the whole summer that I can’t remember any stories?
One story that sticks in my mind is similar to the McDonald’s drive along… but this time I was a passenger and all that I had to hand was my handbag. Enough said.
7. Dingo Dining 2005
I lived the dream. I went backpacking Down Under. Two months of hostels, bars, sexy long haired backpacker types and a whole new world to explore.
Frasier Island was the best and worst experience of my life. We rough camped… Well we were in a tent but on the actual floor so I count that as rough. So rough that we had to dig a hole to have a crap, or hold it in and get stomach ache… And worse of all we had to cope with sand flies, mosquitoes, spiders and Dingos! (remember that film – a Dingo took my baby?)
Anyway, my sister had a mega bad cough. We’d been warned about Dingos circling the camp to scavenge at night so all rubbish was carefully stored away. Her cough was so bad that she got to the point of heaving and felt sick. I begrudgingly agreed to go outside with her.
I was her protector with a torch in one hand and a Coke bottle in the other. We could see the a Dingo eyes glimmering in the torch light. As she was being sick, I could see the Dingos approaching us. Closer and closer. I was petrified. They were coming towards us so we ran back to the tent in terror. The Dingos followed us. But then suddenly they stopped. We looked back in amazement to see the three Dingos greedily tucking in to my sister’s vomit! That’s Down Under dining for you!
8. Portaloo pass out 2007
Getting very very drunk at V Festival and deciding to sleep in some random bloke’s tent (as I could no longer walk) was not one of my better ideas. Thankfully I was wearing enough layers of rain clothes (fishing pants, waterproof, the lot) that there was no chance of him taking advantage of me.
So, waking up with my feet sticking out of his tent (still wearing my wellies) and feeling the need to be violently sick was a low point. Crawling out of the tent to be met by a sea of other tents all pitched within millimetres of each other sunk me a little lower. Death by guide rope was then my next obstacle to avoid as I attempted to walk and find somewhere to be sick. It was like being in The Cube the amount of ropes I had to manoeuvre over and around.
Sadly , my only viable option was a portaloo. Quite possibly the most disgusting few minutes of my life. I don’t think I need to elaborate…
9. £80 Hangover 2007
This has to be my worst hangover of all time and also my most expensive. My Dad was remarrying and in hindsight, I don’t think I dealt with it very well!
I started off the day happy – but only managed one photograph before I started crying. Once I started, I didn’t stop. Happy tears turned into nostalgic tears which turned into downright hammered, talking utter crap tears. My Dad made the mistake of putting on a free bar, so myself and my siblings and new step-siblings decided that we would get our payment for the heartache at the hands of our parents’ divorces. We drank and drank. At that time I hadn’t accepted that wine was the devil and that I should not drink vast quantities, especially when a tad emotional… Throw in a few Baileys and Sambuca and it was utter carnage.
The next day I woke up in a hotel room that looked liked it had been trashed and had no memory of most of the night, let alone how I’d got back to the room. One thing was for sure, I was in NO state to drive. £80 later and I had a toilet at my disposal for the rest of the day… and night. I was being sick right up until 9pm… even an evening dip in the hotel pool ended up with me on my knees in my swimming costume, wretching.
Sadly, I didn’t learn my lesson and there were several other ‘all dayers’ when it comes to hangovers after this!
10. First date 2009
This has to go down as one of the most embarrassing and cringe worthy sick stories.
Basically a first date that started with a glass of white wine, mixed with a bottle of red and ended with a ‘cone back to mine for coffee’ which actually ended with me being passed out on the floor in his bathroom lying in my own vomit… I never did drink that coffee. Amazingly there was a second date.
So, there you have it. Ten of my best Little Sick Stories. Sadly, I didn’t struggle at all to think of these and there are many more in the archives.
Somehow over the years I did learn my lesson and until the next time – I am NEVER getting that drunk ever again.
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